Don't put God in a box

 My youngest son, Elijah, was baptized on Wednesday, September 28, 2022 by Mason Brown, our 12Stone student resident.  It was a true answer to prayer.  To be honest, one that I didn't ever think I would see.  But God is bigger than me!  Not only did Elijah come forth publicly to profess his faith in Jesus Christ, but God taught me not to put Him in a box.  Nothing is impossible for God.  Nothing!

See, Elijah has ASD.  He is on the autism spectrum, originally diagnosed with Asperger's.  He is high functioning, meaning that he can speak and walk and take care of himself, for the most part.  He does, however, have some intellectual and processing issues that cause him to not fully understand what other teenagers understand.  He has a limited vocabulary and can't always understand what is being said to him or around him.  He doesn't understand a lot of how the world works and is perfectly happy to sit and watch WWE for most of the day.  It is because of these, well, limitations, that caused me to figure he would never understand enough about baptism to want to do it.  Shame on me.

Elijah accepted Jesus Christ as his savior many years ago after a conversation with his dad.  He began taking communion shortly thereafter, again after a conversation to make sure he understood what it meant and why we do it.  Did he fully understand all that comes with a decision for Christ? I don't know.  But Jesus said you simply needed "faith like a child" and that would be enough. He definitely had that!  And ever since this decision, I have prayed that he, along with my other boys, would make the decision to be baptized.  To let everyone know that they follow Jesus and are not ashamed.

We see baptisms at church quite often.  We talk about it, what it means and why people do it, but we never pushed.  We always wanted it to be his decision.  We knew that he would do it when he was ready and that it would be a prompting of God, as it should be.  However, though I am ashamed to admit it, I never really thought Elijah would do it.  Not only because I didn't think he would understand, but also because I knew of Elijah's "quirks" associated with his ASD.  He wouldn't want to be wet in his clothes, and he would want someone else to push him under the water.  I continued to pray but deep down had a pessimistic attitude of it ever happening.

Shame on me again!  Because one Wednesday (Sept 21) after H12 (youth program), he came home and told us that he wanted to be baptized.  To say we were excited is a complete understatement!  We talked to him about it a bit and thanked God for the answer to prayer.  In addition, I was also led to ask God for forgiveness.  I had limited my idea of what God could do.  I had put Him in a box.  I had doubted that He could get through to someone like Elijah.  I was convicted.  

God can do anything and everything that He chooses to do.  It is God's desire, according to the Bible, that everyone be saved.  Of course He can work within Elijah and lead him to baptism.  He met Elijah right where he was and spoke to his spirit in a way that Elijah could understand.  Of course He can!  How could I have ever doubted??

I have asked forgiveness and God has granted.  What an amazing testimony of God's goodness and grace!  There is nothing that God cannot do.  Don't forget that!

A special thanks to Alex Otto and Mason Brown, along with other youth leaders, who allowed God to use them in Elijah's life.

Funny side note....After H12 on this Wednesday night, I was driving Elijah home.  I told him that I noticed he didn't go all the way under the water.  (I expected that just because I knew he would be wary of it.)  "I know.  Epic fail," he said.  I proceeded to explain to him that it was NOT an epic fail.  It wasn't the water that was important but the state of his heart.  He didn't have to go all the way under the water to show he is a follower of Jesus.  He just had to get into the tank.  The willingness of his heart to proclaim his faith was all that he really needed.  The rest of it was an outward symbol to show others.  It still counted.  Once he understood that, he felt better.  

I just love him!

God Showed Up

Steven and I decided to attend the worship and community night that 12Stone Sugarloaf was having on September 10.  (Elijah stayed home to watch SmackDown, and that's ok.  LOL)  It was a wonderful time of worship of Jesus, our Savior.  During that evening, the campus pastor, Michael, told us about something God had prompted 12Stone Church to participate in.  It was Seven Nights of Prayer.  All campuses to gather together at Central Campus every night for seven nights for no other reason than to pray.  Because God told them to.  Normally, that is not something that I would think to attend.  Prayer and I have a love/hate relationship at times.  I do it.  I know it's important.  And quite often God shows Himself to me in it.  But rarely.  I don't see the power in it that PK does. 

Let me explain.  My mom died of cancer 20 years ago.  It devastated me!  My only son was just 5 months old.  We had spent four years praying.  Four years asking God to heal my mom.  Four years pleading with God to not take my mom and allow her to get better so she could be a Granna to my son.  My mom believed, and told people often, that she would be healed.  We knew God could do it and we believed it!  Then, on February 19, 2001 at 7:45 pm, she took her last breath.  I was blessed to be with her then and all that day leading up to it.  But this wasn't how it was supposed to happen.  God was supposed to heal her.  We had prayed!  My mom KNEW she was going to be healed!  She was supposed to get better!  Thus began a long bout of me being angry and disappointed with God for not showing up how I wanted Him to.

So, for the last 20 years, I have struggled with prayer.  I do pray.  I talk to God and thank Him for what He's done or pray for the boys, of course.  But deep down I always wondered if it was doing any good.  I did it because that's what a Jesus believing mom does, right?  But I didn't necessarily believe what I had heard over the years that "prayer moves the hand of God."  In my experience, God is going to do what God is going to do.  My praying doesn't change that.  I pray to stay close to God and he helps me deal with whatever He chooses to do.  That's how I saw it.

God, of course, know this.  And as soon as Michael starting talking about the Seven Nights of Prayer, I knew that God was telling me to go.  But not just go whenever.  God was telling me to go on Tuesday specifically.  Why Tuesday?  I had no clue!  Standing there, in the sanctuary, God told me that Tuesday was my day.  Not an audible voice, but a deep feeling that I knew that had to obey.  (Note: I am not one of those people that often feels that God is speaking something so specific right to them.  It hasn't happened often, if ever.  But this time I just knew He was talking to me!)  So I told Steven and he, of course, encouraged me to go.

Tuesday came.  I had been texting my small group to see if anyone else was going.  It turned out that they were all planning to attend that same night. So we made plans to meet up and sit together.  I figured we would sing, worship, and pray and then I would go home.  But God had slightly different plans.

PK had asked someone to come speak to us that night.  He was formerly on staff at 12Stone and was now pastoring a church in Bethlehem.  He stated that he was grateful to be asked by PK to come speak and that he had learned a lot during his time at 12Stone.  (God often has people at a specific place at a specific time to teach them something.  THAT I know well!)  He proceeded to tell a story (that I won't go into too much detail about) about how his mother was diagnosed with cancer when he was 15 years old.  His dad was a pastor and they were a family of believers, so they prayed fervently for healing for his mom.  They knew that God could heal her and they prayed believing it would happen.  She died when he was 17.  That was me!  Different age, but that was me!  He was speaking directly to me!

He explained that his prayer life was crippled that day, though he didn't realize that until years later.  He still prayed, but he finally realized that something was missing.  That's when he discovered that the death of his mom and God not answering his prayers of healing the way he wanted God to had wounded him.  He stated it like this:  My prayer life was like me limping to God when God wants us to run to Him.  He further talked about how it's ok, and necessary to talk to God not just about disappointments with life, but also about disappointments with Him.

That was me!  He was basically telling my story!  I couldn't believe it !  But now I knew why God had wanted me here Tuesday,  This very day for this very reason.  God was using this pastor to talk to me and help me get over a hump that I just couldn't see to traverse.

Afterwards, with the encouragement of a member of my small group, I went down front to have the prayer team pray over me.  I explained to them my whole situation with my mom and how God had told me Friday that today was the day I was supposed to come to the prayer gathering.  They listened and praised God for bringing me there that day.  I can't remember all their names, but they laid hands on me and prayed for me.  Big, powerful prayers.  They prayed that I would know the power of God and that my prayer life would become greater than I could ever imagine.  I left feeling so blessed.

So now my journey of prayer begins.  I'm not sure what I should "do" to make a better prayer life.  I just know that God had told me to believe in His power and to expect Him to do great things.  So often I start my day and expect ordinary things.  God has told me to instead always be expecting Him to do something great.  So I plan to walk through life with constant expectation.  Always being on the lookout for what He may be doing and how He wants me to join in.

God can use even the worst circumstances

It was 14 years ago, this very day, that I thought it was all over.  Our pastor and his wife came over to our house to be a referee between Steven and me.  It wasn't a good situation.  (Thankfully some dear friends had taken our kids for the evening so we could have this "intervention".)  It ended that night with me kicking Steven out of the house, not knowing if I would ever let him back.  That was it.  Our marriage was over.  At least it seemed that way.  

That night I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  What was happening?  How did we get here?  Where do we go from here?  I don't even begin to know how to fix this!  Then God told me that I didn't have to.  He would.

God and I had a long chat that night, longer than normal anyway.  We actually had quite a lot of chats in the days after as well.  I was lost and didn't know what to do.  But God did and He showed up in a big way for me and for Steven.  And I'm so thankful that He did!

I won't go into boring details.  Many may already know the story.  Steven eventually came back to the house with us and we started seeing a marriage counselor a few times a week.  It was hard.  It was excruciating.  Up to that point, I had thought the death of my parents was the worst thing I could ever feel.  This was 1000 times worse!  But I trusted God, and despite everything that had happened, I loved my husband and really wanted to make our marriage work again.

So if you know me and/or Steven, you can see that God showed up in a BIG way!  It took quite a long time and a good deal of counseling, talking, fighting, forgiving, confessing, loving, crying, screaming, and praying, but God did it!  Here we are, 14 years later, probably the happiest we have ever been.  And next month we will celebrate 25 years of marriage.  I could not be more ecstatic about it.  I love my husband dearly.  He is a great husband and a terrific father to our three boys.  He works hard and takes great care of us.  God has blessed us beyond measure.

I post this not to bring attention to me, but to give the glory to God!  Also, I know others are out there struggling in their marriages.  Maybe you experienced an event like us that just shattered your world.  Or maybe you just aren't happy.  You are more like roommates than partners.  I am here to tell you that God can and wants to transform your marriage!  If you will let him.  It won't be easy or quick.  It will be difficult and involve a lot of tough conversations with your spouse that maybe you don't want to have.  But you need to!  Pray and ask God to help you.  He will show up and He will do amazing things beyond what you can ask, think, or even imagine!  (That's for Pastor Dan!)  We are living proof.  God cares and He wants to help.  But you have to want to do your part as well.

I am so thankful that Steven and I are in the place we are now.  We wouldn't be here if it weren't for that awful day 14 years ago.  I hate that it happened with all my being.  But I wouldn't trade where we are now for anything.  God truly can use any and every situation.  Trust Him. He loves you!

An awkward beginning

 As of today, my boys, a senior and a freshman in high school, have been in school for one week.  This school year began very much like the last one ended, oddly.  There was no "meet your teacher" or run out and get school supplies on sale.  There were no butterflies in your stomach and trouble sleeping the night before.  They simply pulled up their schedules online, woke up that morning, and logged onto their computers. NOT your typical first day of school.  Not awful, mind you.  I'm not saying that it was terrible, just different.  

My youngest started high school but there was no finding his way around a new school or being met by upperclassmen.  My middle son started his senior year, but there was no walking into the building for his last first day of school, being big man on campus.  All things that they had been looking forward to for some time.

I'm not complaining.  I know that these are "unprecedented times" and everyone is doing what they can to make life go on and seem as normal as possible.  I so appreciate all the work of the teachers and staff of the schools that have worked so hard to make this digital learning thing work.  I am grateful that we live in a time where technology has advanced enough to allow the kids to do this.  (If this had happened when I was a kid, we would have just missed school.)  There are so many positives, it's just strange.

The plan was for them to phase into in-person learning by mid-September.  That is what my kids want.  They want to be in school and interact with friends, classmates, and teachers.  They want to walk the halls and change classes and have lunch in the cafeteria.  But today I found out that in-person learning will pretty much be digital learning inside the school building and I was devastated.  As were the boys.  Again, I'm not blaming anyone.  The school is trying to do the best they can with what they have and educate everyone according to their preferences.  I DO NOT envy that job!  But that wasn't what we were hoping for, so we have decided to keep them home doing digital learning until everyone can go back to school safely (whenever that will be) and have the normal school experience.  

Grateful again, because, even though I lost my job five months ago due to the pandemic, it was a God thing because I am able to stay home with my boys and help when needed.  No, they don't NEED me here, except maybe for the occasional technical issue, but I'm blessed to have the option.  I like to think it helps my youngest (ASD) because I am here to ask questions to make sure he understands that teachers would never think to ask him just because they don't know him the way I do.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I am currently feeling a plethora of emotions: sadness, thankfulness, frustration, gratefulness, isolated, blessed, disappointed, and contentment, all at the same time.  I'm spending time with my boys, brushing up on my Algebra skills, learning a lot about Zoom, getting some home projects done, and taking some time for myself.  It may not help the pocketbook, but it helps my soul and that is what matters most.

Thank you God for your provision!

An awkward end

My kids finished school this week.  No pomp and circumstance.  No feelings of relief or excitement for summer.  My middle son said it best, "There's no walking out of the building for the last time or saying bye to teachers and friends.  It doesn't feel like the school year is over."

I agree.  It doesn't feel like it's over, but it is.  And so one day at home spills over into the next, the only difference being that there is no school work to be done first thing now.  I hurt the most for those who are graduating.  I know quite a few high school and college seniors (my nephew, my neighbor, my high school friend's son, my cousin's son, my dear friend's daughter, a former children's pastor with a high school and college senior).  How disappointing this must be for them.  They've worked all these years to get to this point, to celebrate themselves and their accomplishments.  And now, it's just...over.  No prom, no graduation ceremony.  When they all left school back in March, they had no idea that they wouldn't be returning so there was no closure.  No saying goodbye or putting an end to that chapter of their lives.  I had a son graduate last year and another who will next year.  I know how I would feel if they were unable to experience that rite of passage.

So, a "new normal".  I hate that phrase.  It makes me feel as though things will never be the way they were.  And though I know some things may be different, it hurts me to think that life is forever changed down to the smallest detail because of this.

I continue to be out of work, collecting unemployment.  It was 2 months yesterday since I've been at work.  I miss working and I miss my coworkers.  I've looked for other jobs during this time but nothing is available that would offer what I left.  So, for now, I wait.  I've been doing projects at home: painting, cleaning, organizing, updating, etc.  I was motivated in the beginning but I find that, with each passing day, motivation is something that is harder to come by.  Yes, I'm putting on weight as well, as I'm sure many people are.  I try to stay active and watch what I eat, but it's hard when each day rolls into the next.  I'm still trying.

The boys seem ok.  Since the shelter in place has been lifted and some businesses are opening up again, Zach has been back to work and Joshua has been able to hang out with some friends.  They all enjoy each other's company so that is such a blessing and they are able to hang out day after day and entertain each other.  Whether it's basketball in the driveway, PS4, or a trip to RaceTrac for a drink, they get along so well.  I am truly blessed.

Tomorrow is a high school transition meeting for Elijah.  (I can't believe he's old enough to start high school!)  It will be via ZOOM, my first, but will hopefully get Elijah prepared to start high school as an ASD student.  I am praying that they will all be able to get back to their respective campuses in the fall.  Online was fine for a time, but isn't realistically sustainable. 

Steven continues working which is great!  He will go to his office or work from home, depending on the day.  The mall near us just opened back up so we get out sometimes just to go walk around the mall.

God is blessing us during this time with the unemployment.  To the point that we are able to use some to bless others who are in worse situations.  I am thankful that God is using this situation for good in our lives right now since I know that so many do not feel blessed.  Please know that God is always with you and it is not God that has done this to you, but He will help you through.

Unprecedented Times

It is day 5 of digital learning for the Zach and Elijah.  Zach broke up the monotony today by going to work at Little Barn (drive thru only) and will do schoolwork when he gets home.  Joshua is also home.  It was supposed to be his spring break from Valdosta State University but has turned in to something else all together.  Joshua will begin online classes, living at home, on March 30.  We will go down to Valdosta tomorrow to pick up his stuff from his dorm room.

I am on day 2 of being home.  My work, Medieval Times, has closed castles and now has closed the call center until further notice.  As with the boys' situations, it was quite unexpected.  This is what happens when a virus no one has seen before becomes rampant across the world.  We are all being encouraged to stay home if possible and not gather socially with more than 10 people.  It's boring but necessary.  I am getting some things done at home.

But it feels like a movie, so surreal.  Like "I Am Legend" or "Outbreak".  Nothing I ever thought I would be living out.  But here we are.  Re-learning how to live together as a family.  Learning how to live with an adult son who is used to being on his own.  Learning how to stay at home and not go hang out with friends or even shopping unless necessary.  Learning how to trust God all over again, knowing the He will provide for us and take care of us in this trying time.

But what about those people who are losing loved ones?  God will take care of them as well, just in a different way.  I can't explain what is happening or why.  All I know for sure is that God is still on the throne and He is in control.  And that is all I need.

A New Chapter - Prayer Wins Out

Well....the praise challenge didn't work out as planned.  What else is new?  I'm ok at starting things but not always great at finishing them.  God isn't done with me yet. 😉

I am happy to share that I will begin a new chapter in my life next week.  I will be leaving my job at of 17 years and will be starting as a Customer Service Rep for Medieval Times. I'm very excited about it and think that it will be great fun.  I believe God is telling me that I have done my job of nurturing my children through the years (they are now 17, 15, and 12).  They don't need me around as much and I need to start doing some things for me.  This is a start!

However, that was not my motivation for this blog post.

My church has been doing a 4 week study about prayer.  It has been great!  This past Sunday, though, I was challenged.  Prayer is something I have always done, typically before bed or when something comes to mind during the day.  However, it has never been something that (don't be too shocked here) that Steven and I have done together.  (I know, pastor's wife and everything....long story behind that.)  But this past Sunday our senior pastor and our campus pastor encouraged us to listen to what God wanted to say to us about prayer in our lives.  And I heard God speak....

As clear as day, I knew that he was telling me that Steven and I needed to start praying together.  I have always known this was important but other issues always kept me from it and Steven, knowing my issues and not wanting to push me, has been very patient.  But this day I knew it was something God was specifically directed me to do.  So I said, "Ok, I'll talk to Steven about it."

I did NOT talk to him Sunday and that night, as I prayed, I asked forgiveness for being disobedient.  I did NOT talk to him Monday and again asked forgiveness.  This went on until finally Thursday (yes, 5 days later) I finally surrendered and obeyed and talked to Steven about it.  He was excited and agreed.  (And was probably secretly relieved that I had finally come to this point.)  So, last night, for the first time in quite some time, we prayed together before going to bed.

Needless to say, I slept great last night!  I feel a small burden lifted off my shoulders.  I also believe that Steven and I will grow closer and connect more with each other and with God during this process.  I can't go into why it has taken me so long to get here.  There are many issues I have dealt with over the years.  But I think I have an idea as to why God has prompted me NOW.  Other than the fact that it is a good discipline, I think God has impeccable timing.

This time next year, my oldest son will graduate from high school and get ready to leave for college.  The other 2 (at least 1) will follow shortly there after and it will once again be me and Steven.  I have spent so long being mom that I almost forgot how to be wife.  I believe that this is God's way of helping us connect, starting sooner rather than later, so that, when the boys are gone, we have already started reconnecting and will be content, even excited, that it will be just the 2 of us again.

I am excited to see how God works through this, not just in our lives but in the lives of our boys and those around us.  Thank you, God, for not giving up on me!