And the sun comes out...

Not a lot happened today.  Not that that's a bad thing.  It was a nice, relaxing, comfortable day at the Julian home.  I ran a mile on the treadmill this morning, got some work done for Steven to help him along a bit, took JJ to the orthodontist and found out that he should have his braces off by Christmas.  (However, I thought it would be before that.  My contract says I stop paying in September, so as long as that happens, I'm good.)  Then I took the boys to Suwanee Town Park to run around in the fountains.  Well, Joshua and Zach ran around in the fountains.

 Elijah and I walked Sparky around the park.  Elijah, as a result of his Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), doesn't like the water coming at him or falling on him.  Therefore, the fountain wasn't an option for him.  But I enjoyed walking around and talking to him.  He has a difficult time expressing himself, also due to his SPD, so it takes some prying to get things out of him.  For example, I knew he wouldn't go in the fountain because the water is coming at him, but he wouldn't tell me that.  His favorite answer is "I don't know".  I'm trying to get him to really answer my questions instead of bailing out with his trusty "I don't know".  It takes more time in a conversation, but I think it's worth it.

Elijah seems so normal on the outside.  I mean, he is normal.  But he is different too.  I know.  Everyone is different.  But Elijah is unnoticeably different.  He doesn't appear "special needs" and I hesitate to call him that, but it fits in some ways.  I have to think specifically about him in many situations and make accommodations for him.  It's very difficult to find things that we can all do together because he shies away from a lot of things.  It's been hard, but we make it work.  That is one reason we visit different baseball stadiums on vacation every year.  The beach didn't work for us (feel of the sand, waves rolling in and out,etc) but baseball is something we all enjoy.  We started last year when we went to Chicago.  That was the first family vacation we had ever been on the we enjoyed!!!!

Anyway, we are sitting here enjoy a night off from work.  The GBraves are winning (of course, because I'm not there!)  Steven and are I are in our room working and watching the Braves, of course.  The boys are downstairs watching WWE Monday Night RAW, of course.  So goes a Monday night at the Julian home.

Sweet Moments

It's been a long weekend already.  Lots of hours working, which I don't mind because I enjoy my job at the stadium.  But it makes me tired and I just don't like being at work when my family is home.  I just feel like I haven't seen much of them lately.  Sometimes that is good though.  I am home with them so much that they never have a chance to miss me.  Mom is just always around.  At least when I go to work, the miss me and am glad when I come home.

Tonight, I got home just after 11 and the bottom of the house was dark.  I put my stuff down and went upstairs.  I noticed that Zach's door was closed and I heard voices.  I knocked on the door and opened it up to find Zach and Elijah listening to Braves historic moments on his MP3 player.  I said hello to them.  Elijah's face lit up.  He smiled, said "Hi Mom" and got off the bed to come give me a hug.  That, in and of itself, was worth the 6 hours that I worked tonight.

I proceeded to talk to Zach as well and then went off to see Joshua.  I enjoy talking to them and asking them what they did and how their night was.  Those are things I don't get to ask when we are together all day.  I enjoy listening to them and seeing how their minds work.  They are great kids and I am so blessed to have them.

I would be remiss, though, if I didn't mention Steven.  He does a great job taking care of the boys while I'm at work.  He feeds them, plays with them, takes them out.  They are all very understanding and supportive of me working nights.  Thanks hon!  I couldn't do it without you!

Odd Woman Out

I have a husband and 3 sons.  Even our dog, Sparky, is male.  I am the only one of my kind in my house.  I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with as they all get older.  (Or maybe it's as I get older, I'm not quite sure which.)

Don't get me wrong.  I love my boys. They are great!  But they are SO messy.  They don't listen well and don't retain information.  (At least the information that I give them.  Sports or WWE information takes precedence.)  I never knew urine could get to those places.  I find clothes and toys in the strangest of places.  And nothing ever gets put back where it came from, but they expect mom to magically know where it is when they want it.  I went so far as to label every drawer in Zach's room so he would know where stuff it.  All he had to do was put the stuff back there once he was done with it.  Nope.  Doesn't happen.  Anyway......

I sit here now making lunch/dinner because I have to be at work, again, at 5pm today.  All the boys are playing upstairs and Steven is playing with the dog.  I'm tired.  I'm frustrated.  I'm wishing the clean fairy would sprinkle her magic dust on my house and that there was a money tree in my backyard.  Ok, enough complaining.

Steven took the 2 older boys to Home Depot this morning for their kids workshop.  They each made some sort of car (that ended up on my kitchen table).  But they were cute.  Elijah, not wanting to try anything new, came to the grocery store with me.  He was so helpful!  He was putting things in the buggy, helped put them on the belt at checkout and even hung around the back of the van to help put them in the car!  That is new for him!  I heaped praise on him in hopes that he will do it next time as well.  Zach and Joshua cleaned around our neighborhood pool (their summer job) and then came home and did chores.  So my house is somewhat clean.  Everyone did their part.  I greatly appreciate all the help they give me.

Now off to eat ham and rice and chocolate pie.  Have a great weekend!

Here we go again!

I was just reading over my old posts.  I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I posted here!  I remember it being very therapeutic, so I'm not so sure why I stopped.  Busyness, I guess.  So much has happened, so I'll catch you up and we'll start from there.

I still work for the Gwinnett Braves in the summers during baseball season.  I am the game day receptionist so I answer the phones, check tickets, and assists fans on the 3rd floor suite level.  During the school year I still work at Perimeter Church doing child care.

Steven is a financial advisor still, but has changed companies.  He went independent and now works with Cornerstone Private Client Group.

Joshua is 12 3/4.  (He will be 13 in September.  Yes!  A teenager!)  He is going into 7th grade at Hull Middle School.  He is taking 4 gifted classes, playing travel baseball, and is a great babysitter to his brothers.  He loves WWE and knows everything there is to know about sports.  We have nicknamed him "Captain Comment" because he always has something to say.

Zach just turned 10.  He's going into 5th grade, so he's almost done with elementary school.  He enjoys WWE, chess and astronomy, but not reading and writing.  I'm teaching him to type this summer.  He has played soccer, baseball, done tae kwon do and is now taking piano lessons.  His teacher says he is very good and should really stick with it.

Elijah is 7 and is going into 2nd grade.  (Hard to believe after my last post.  I cried when I read that.  It seems so long ago!)  He is doing well.  He likes school and routine of it all.  Summer is harder for him.  He has learned to bathe himself and loves doing WWE moves to his stuffed animals.  He still is a picky eater, but that is typical for someone with his disorder.  He likes fruit so we keep shoveling that in.

 

We still live in the same house.  Strange, really.  We've lived here 5 years which is the longest we've lived ANYWHERE since we got married.  Sometimes I feel myself getting antsy like we should move again.  But I like everything about where we live, except the age of our house.  It needs a lot of updating.  Slowly but surely we are bringing it to the 21st century.

We still attend The Bridge Church in Lawrenceville.  We took a short break and attended a Methodist church, but that wasn't a good fit.  The Bridge got a new pastor and youth pastor and things are working out very well.  I'm still trying to figure out where God wants me to serve there.  I'm trying to avoid the kids' ministry because of my kids and the fact that I already work with kids.  Still searching.

I'm going to try and keep this updated, for you as well as me.  I find that I have no one other than Steven to talk to about things on a regular basis, so this may help get my thoughts straight.  Thanks for listening.

A New Era

It's 8:30 am on this Monday morning. The house is quiet except for the sound of me typing and the dishwasher going. I'm all alone. It's just me. 30 minutes ago I put my kids on the bus bound for their first day of school. For JJ and Zach it was no big deal. They've done this before. But Elijah, this is his first day of Kindergarten. I suppose every parent gets emotional when their kids go to school for the first time, especially if it's their last kid. But Elijah is special.

One year ago the sweet teachers at North Metro CDC were prying Elijah out of the car kicking and screaming! That went on for almost 2 weeks. Then we found out that he has a sensory disorder which just makes things harder for him. He's been a difficult child and this is why. So we started him in occupational therapy in May. Wow! Do I have a different child now! He was up and ready for school at 6:20 this morning. He ate, brushed his teeth and made his bed just like his big brothers. We walked up to the bus stop with him carrying his Spiderman backpack and he got on the bus, just like his big brothers. I am just in shock! He is a new child! Now at school, hopefully doing well. I pray that God protects him and helps him adjust. He has done a complete 180 and I am so proud of him!

But now I sit here alone in this quiet house for the first time in 11 years! I'm almost not sure what to do with myself. I have to do the typical things I do on Monday like go to the grocery store. But it's just me. I don't have to stop in the middle of the day to pick anyone up from PreK. I didn't have to drive anyone to school. I a bit at a loss. It's freeing and sad all at the same time. I've always looked forward to this time on my own...but now I'm not so sure I like it. I guess it will just take some getting used to. I start work soon anyway so that will take up half my days. I guess now it is time to find the real me somewhere past the mom.

And yes, I cried like a baby after the bus left with my boys, including Elijah, on it.

Trying to get back in to it

Well, it's 4 am and I can't sleep. I remember that I was thinking about starting up my blog again...so I figure now is as good a time as any. I noticed that the last time I blogged was over a year ago. Ooops! So much has been going on that I just really haven't had the time. Admittedly, I also thought that no one really wanted to read what I had to say. Then I discovered that this is really more an outlet for me than something for others to read.

A lot has happened over the past year. There are the typical things like school, work, vacations, amusement park trips, aquarium trips, pool days, etc. and then there are the other things. Elijah being diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, Joshua getting baces, Zach being diagnosed with an occulomotor (eye muscle) problem, therapy, psychological tests, anti depressants, thyroid medication......the list goes on. I won't try to update you on all situations at one time, but I'm sure they will come out at some point.

Right now what fills my mind is the fact that school starts on Monday. To my kids, this is a very BAD thing. For me, I have mixed feelings. Yes, I enjoy having my kids home and being able to do stuff with them and spend time with them. However, there comes a point when there has been enough time, for me and them. They are now getting on each other's nerves and need to be separated. It's tough to get them to do things on their own in the summer. They want me to entertain them. In that respect, I'm glad for school to start. They will be occupied with friends and learning and I get to hear about their adventures. The down side is the realization that all my babies are growing up. JJ will be in 5th grade this year, his last year of elementary school. Next year will be a whole new world..for all of us. Zach will be in 3rd grade, a point in life where learning, at least at Parsons, changes a bit and gets a bit more rigorous. I still remember him getting off the bus his first day of Kindergarten, so excited with a sweet little boy voice. Lastly, Elijah, my baby, will be in Kindergarten. All day. 8am- 3:30 pm with his brothers. I'm excited for him. It will be a great experience....and a challenge with is SPD. But what about me? For the first time in over 10 years I'm not going to have any children at home. Yes, Elijah was in PreK last year, but I still took him and picked him up at 1pm so we still had some of the day together. Now he will be gone all day.

I know they all grow up, but this is my last one. Once they start school I don't ever get them back again. I wonder if I have taken full advantage of the time that I had them home with me. I also wonder what I will do now since so much of my life has centered around taking care of them and now it will be just me most of the day. I'll go to the grocery store by myself and to work by myself....all things I thought that I wanted. But now I'm not so sure. I will miss my babies. I love them all dearly. But I guess it is time for all of to enter a new stage in our lives. I just need to find what that entails for me.

Now it's 4:30am and I'm going back to bed. See you later this afternoon!

The day the music died.

February 19, 2001 - That is the day that my mother, Sherrie Ann Hall, died. She lost a long and hard-fought battle with ovarian cancer. It was 9 years ago today. For the last 9 years, I have hated the month of February for that very reason. I wear a pin with her picture on it every year to remind me. I am often solemn and depressed. I actually want people to ask me about the pin so that I can share with them about my mother. Maybe so people will feel sorry for me...I don't know. For 9 years I have let what happened at 7:45 pm on Monday, Feb 19, 2001 be a defining part of my life. BUT THAT STOPS NOW! I love my Mama with all my heart. But I realized, just today, that living in the past and dredging up all that hurt and sorrow and anger doesn't honor her memory. It just brings me and my family down. I don't want to live in the past. Not everyone has to know that both of my parents are dead. It has nothing to do with who I am or who God made me to be. I have a family of my own to take care of. It would be much more honoring to my mom if I would take good care of myself and them. She would fuss at me if I didn't. So, just a few minutes ago, I took off the pin that has her and Daddy's picture on it, told them both that I love them, and put it down on my dresser. I am going to tell the story of that sad yet joyful day one more time...then I am going to move on with my life.

It was around 4am. I was in bed in my house in Sugar Hill, GA when my phone rang. Phones ringing at odd hours are never a good sign to begin with. This was twice as bad. I had been holding my breath every time the phone rang for the last several weeks since Dr. Landis told my mom there was nothing more he could do for her. Luckily, each time had been an amiable phone call....until now.
It was my dad. Mom felt like she was going (she was very in tune with her own body) and wanted us there with her. So I left Steven and Joshua, who was only 5 months old at the time, and made the 45 minute drive to our house in Snellville where I grew up. Garalyn was already there when I got there.
We had called in Hospice after Dr. Landis gave us the news. They were helping us keep Mama comfortable until her time came. They had provided a hospital bed which we had in the family room in place of the loveseat. That's where she had been for weeks. She was sitting on the side of it when I got there. We all sat there with her. She gave each one of us a hug and told us how much she loved us. She was weak so it was all in a whisper. It didn't matter. I heard her loud and clear. She started to get weak, so she laid down on the bed. I pulled out a Bible and we read Proverbs 31 out loud and cried together. (It was read at her mother's funeral.) From there, it was just a waiting game.
We all just sat around the house. She was resting, attached to an oxygen tank. I had a chair next to her bed and was doing crossword puzzles, I think. She just laid there. At one point, she sat up a bit, grabbed my arm and tried to speak to me. But I couldn't understand her. I felt so bad. I just kept saying, "What Mama? I don't understand." Then she stopped and laid back in the bed. That was the last thing she ever said. It wasn't until later that I realized she was saying, "Daddy...comatose". That may seem strange, but you have to know the whole story. Her father died of cancer in 1985. He went into a coma like state and was "alive" several hours before he actually stopped breathing. That's the way she stayed for the rest of the day. She was trying to tell me not to worry. She could feel it coming on and just wanted me to know. She laid there, lifeless. Her eyes were open but there was no spark there anymore. She was breathing, but her soul was gone.
By that point her sisters and other family had started coming around. We had called them so everyone could say their final goodbyes. Steven had come by and brought Joshua. Garalyn had Shayne for a bit. But it was started to get later and wanted to take her home. She didn't want Shayne to see her Granna like that. I think, to this day, Garalyn wishes she would have stayed.
It was about 7:45pm. My dad was sitting in the rocking chair just halfway across the room from where mom lay, comatose. I was sitting on the floor with my head in his lap. My Aunt Nell was sitting on the couch next to my mom. Then, it happened.
Aunt Nell said, "Gary....I don't think she is breathing." Daddy and I both rushed to her bed. It was true. He fighting body had finally given up and stopped trying to survive. Even though we knew all day that it was coming, it took us by surprise. We both broke down and cried. I can remember bending over her and screaming, "Who's going to teach me to be a mom?" That was only the 2nd time in my life I had seen my dad cry. We were devastated. Daddy got on the phone and called Garalyn and told her to come back. All the family came back as well. There was lots of crying and hugging. I couldn't believe my mom was gone.
Soon, the funeral home came for her body and took her away. People lingered around to see what they could do and talk about old times. Everyone was finally gone sometime after midnight. Garalyn and I spent the night there with Daddy. I didn't want to leave him. I'm sure he went to bed crying. How do you move on when the person you've spent most of your life with is suddenly gone?
Anyway....that's it. That's how my mom died. Long, yes. Sorry. I figured the more details I give, I would get it out of my system and be able to move on. I think it helped. (Maybe one day I'll have to do this about other things in my life too!) My greatest sorrow is that my mom will never know my kids and my kids will never know my mom. She loved being a grandmother. Even though she was only Granna for a short time. I tell them stories all the time and there are pictures of her in my house.
I can only hope and pray that I will be as good a mom to my kids as she was to me. I LOVE YOU, MAMA! I MISS YOU! I'LL SEE YOU SOON!