An awkward beginning

 As of today, my boys, a senior and a freshman in high school, have been in school for one week.  This school year began very much like the last one ended, oddly.  There was no "meet your teacher" or run out and get school supplies on sale.  There were no butterflies in your stomach and trouble sleeping the night before.  They simply pulled up their schedules online, woke up that morning, and logged onto their computers. NOT your typical first day of school.  Not awful, mind you.  I'm not saying that it was terrible, just different.  

My youngest started high school but there was no finding his way around a new school or being met by upperclassmen.  My middle son started his senior year, but there was no walking into the building for his last first day of school, being big man on campus.  All things that they had been looking forward to for some time.

I'm not complaining.  I know that these are "unprecedented times" and everyone is doing what they can to make life go on and seem as normal as possible.  I so appreciate all the work of the teachers and staff of the schools that have worked so hard to make this digital learning thing work.  I am grateful that we live in a time where technology has advanced enough to allow the kids to do this.  (If this had happened when I was a kid, we would have just missed school.)  There are so many positives, it's just strange.

The plan was for them to phase into in-person learning by mid-September.  That is what my kids want.  They want to be in school and interact with friends, classmates, and teachers.  They want to walk the halls and change classes and have lunch in the cafeteria.  But today I found out that in-person learning will pretty much be digital learning inside the school building and I was devastated.  As were the boys.  Again, I'm not blaming anyone.  The school is trying to do the best they can with what they have and educate everyone according to their preferences.  I DO NOT envy that job!  But that wasn't what we were hoping for, so we have decided to keep them home doing digital learning until everyone can go back to school safely (whenever that will be) and have the normal school experience.  

Grateful again, because, even though I lost my job five months ago due to the pandemic, it was a God thing because I am able to stay home with my boys and help when needed.  No, they don't NEED me here, except maybe for the occasional technical issue, but I'm blessed to have the option.  I like to think it helps my youngest (ASD) because I am here to ask questions to make sure he understands that teachers would never think to ask him just because they don't know him the way I do.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I am currently feeling a plethora of emotions: sadness, thankfulness, frustration, gratefulness, isolated, blessed, disappointed, and contentment, all at the same time.  I'm spending time with my boys, brushing up on my Algebra skills, learning a lot about Zoom, getting some home projects done, and taking some time for myself.  It may not help the pocketbook, but it helps my soul and that is what matters most.

Thank you God for your provision!

An awkward end

My kids finished school this week.  No pomp and circumstance.  No feelings of relief or excitement for summer.  My middle son said it best, "There's no walking out of the building for the last time or saying bye to teachers and friends.  It doesn't feel like the school year is over."

I agree.  It doesn't feel like it's over, but it is.  And so one day at home spills over into the next, the only difference being that there is no school work to be done first thing now.  I hurt the most for those who are graduating.  I know quite a few high school and college seniors (my nephew, my neighbor, my high school friend's son, my cousin's son, my dear friend's daughter, a former children's pastor with a high school and college senior).  How disappointing this must be for them.  They've worked all these years to get to this point, to celebrate themselves and their accomplishments.  And now, it's just...over.  No prom, no graduation ceremony.  When they all left school back in March, they had no idea that they wouldn't be returning so there was no closure.  No saying goodbye or putting an end to that chapter of their lives.  I had a son graduate last year and another who will next year.  I know how I would feel if they were unable to experience that rite of passage.

So, a "new normal".  I hate that phrase.  It makes me feel as though things will never be the way they were.  And though I know some things may be different, it hurts me to think that life is forever changed down to the smallest detail because of this.

I continue to be out of work, collecting unemployment.  It was 2 months yesterday since I've been at work.  I miss working and I miss my coworkers.  I've looked for other jobs during this time but nothing is available that would offer what I left.  So, for now, I wait.  I've been doing projects at home: painting, cleaning, organizing, updating, etc.  I was motivated in the beginning but I find that, with each passing day, motivation is something that is harder to come by.  Yes, I'm putting on weight as well, as I'm sure many people are.  I try to stay active and watch what I eat, but it's hard when each day rolls into the next.  I'm still trying.

The boys seem ok.  Since the shelter in place has been lifted and some businesses are opening up again, Zach has been back to work and Joshua has been able to hang out with some friends.  They all enjoy each other's company so that is such a blessing and they are able to hang out day after day and entertain each other.  Whether it's basketball in the driveway, PS4, or a trip to RaceTrac for a drink, they get along so well.  I am truly blessed.

Tomorrow is a high school transition meeting for Elijah.  (I can't believe he's old enough to start high school!)  It will be via ZOOM, my first, but will hopefully get Elijah prepared to start high school as an ASD student.  I am praying that they will all be able to get back to their respective campuses in the fall.  Online was fine for a time, but isn't realistically sustainable. 

Steven continues working which is great!  He will go to his office or work from home, depending on the day.  The mall near us just opened back up so we get out sometimes just to go walk around the mall.

God is blessing us during this time with the unemployment.  To the point that we are able to use some to bless others who are in worse situations.  I am thankful that God is using this situation for good in our lives right now since I know that so many do not feel blessed.  Please know that God is always with you and it is not God that has done this to you, but He will help you through.

Unprecedented Times

It is day 5 of digital learning for the Zach and Elijah.  Zach broke up the monotony today by going to work at Little Barn (drive thru only) and will do schoolwork when he gets home.  Joshua is also home.  It was supposed to be his spring break from Valdosta State University but has turned in to something else all together.  Joshua will begin online classes, living at home, on March 30.  We will go down to Valdosta tomorrow to pick up his stuff from his dorm room.

I am on day 2 of being home.  My work, Medieval Times, has closed castles and now has closed the call center until further notice.  As with the boys' situations, it was quite unexpected.  This is what happens when a virus no one has seen before becomes rampant across the world.  We are all being encouraged to stay home if possible and not gather socially with more than 10 people.  It's boring but necessary.  I am getting some things done at home.

But it feels like a movie, so surreal.  Like "I Am Legend" or "Outbreak".  Nothing I ever thought I would be living out.  But here we are.  Re-learning how to live together as a family.  Learning how to live with an adult son who is used to being on his own.  Learning how to stay at home and not go hang out with friends or even shopping unless necessary.  Learning how to trust God all over again, knowing the He will provide for us and take care of us in this trying time.

But what about those people who are losing loved ones?  God will take care of them as well, just in a different way.  I can't explain what is happening or why.  All I know for sure is that God is still on the throne and He is in control.  And that is all I need.

A New Chapter - Prayer Wins Out

Well....the praise challenge didn't work out as planned.  What else is new?  I'm ok at starting things but not always great at finishing them.  God isn't done with me yet. 😉

I am happy to share that I will begin a new chapter in my life next week.  I will be leaving my job at of 17 years and will be starting as a Customer Service Rep for Medieval Times. I'm very excited about it and think that it will be great fun.  I believe God is telling me that I have done my job of nurturing my children through the years (they are now 17, 15, and 12).  They don't need me around as much and I need to start doing some things for me.  This is a start!

However, that was not my motivation for this blog post.

My church has been doing a 4 week study about prayer.  It has been great!  This past Sunday, though, I was challenged.  Prayer is something I have always done, typically before bed or when something comes to mind during the day.  However, it has never been something that (don't be too shocked here) that Steven and I have done together.  (I know, pastor's wife and everything....long story behind that.)  But this past Sunday our senior pastor and our campus pastor encouraged us to listen to what God wanted to say to us about prayer in our lives.  And I heard God speak....

As clear as day, I knew that he was telling me that Steven and I needed to start praying together.  I have always known this was important but other issues always kept me from it and Steven, knowing my issues and not wanting to push me, has been very patient.  But this day I knew it was something God was specifically directed me to do.  So I said, "Ok, I'll talk to Steven about it."

I did NOT talk to him Sunday and that night, as I prayed, I asked forgiveness for being disobedient.  I did NOT talk to him Monday and again asked forgiveness.  This went on until finally Thursday (yes, 5 days later) I finally surrendered and obeyed and talked to Steven about it.  He was excited and agreed.  (And was probably secretly relieved that I had finally come to this point.)  So, last night, for the first time in quite some time, we prayed together before going to bed.

Needless to say, I slept great last night!  I feel a small burden lifted off my shoulders.  I also believe that Steven and I will grow closer and connect more with each other and with God during this process.  I can't go into why it has taken me so long to get here.  There are many issues I have dealt with over the years.  But I think I have an idea as to why God has prompted me NOW.  Other than the fact that it is a good discipline, I think God has impeccable timing.

This time next year, my oldest son will graduate from high school and get ready to leave for college.  The other 2 (at least 1) will follow shortly there after and it will once again be me and Steven.  I have spent so long being mom that I almost forgot how to be wife.  I believe that this is God's way of helping us connect, starting sooner rather than later, so that, when the boys are gone, we have already started reconnecting and will be content, even excited, that it will be just the 2 of us again.

I am excited to see how God works through this, not just in our lives but in the lives of our boys and those around us.  Thank you, God, for not giving up on me!

Praise Challenge - Day 2 - Where do I throw away my confidence?

Today was a better day.  I have enjoyed my kids today and there weren't any major issues.  Finals are coming up next week and they aren't studying as I would like them to.  But  I am trying to allow them to be who they are.  I encourage studying (doing my part as a mom to bring it up) and let them decided how best to do that for them.

(BTW, I am listening to Laure Story as I type this.  She has the best praise music of anyone I have found yet.  All of her songs really seem to speak to me personally.  Also, I think she's a great mom and a model of what I would like to be more like.)

How do I throw away my confidence?  Negative self talk?  Sometimes.  But I think my biggest issue is comparing myself to other parents or my kids to other kids.
1.  They seem to have it all together and their kids are great and social and have future plans.  What's wrong with us?
2.  Those kids make friends so easily and are always out.  Why are my kids at home so much and not out with friends?
3.  How does that parent stay so calm is difficult situations while I tend to lose it?
4.  How do they always know the right thing to say but I never seem to know what to say to help my child?

There is a comparison of myself to other parents, or at least what I see of other parents. However, I need to also make myself realize that I am seeing them possibly at their best.  I am not in their home day to day.  I'm sure they struggle with things as well.  I can't compare myself to what I see on Facebook because that is where people put their best face on anyway, right?  Just as I don't show all my struggles out in public, I'm sure they don't either.  Lord, help me remember that we are all in the same boat.  Though we may struggle with different aspects of parenting, we all struggle.  No one is the perfect parent....except You.

I also second guess my decisions.  Did I make the right decision to quit working and stay home with the kids?  Was it right to only work part time once they were older?  Should I contribute more financially to help the family out so that is one less struggle?  Has my being at home a lot caused them to not learn how to be at home alone or do things for themselves?  God, help me remember that you gave me each of these children.  You chose me to be their mom for a specific reason.  And you helped me make certain decisions along the way that put me right here.  Right where you want me to be.  I trust you so help me be confident in knowing that I am enough and that I am right where I am supposed to be.  May I use the time I have at home with them to teach them how to care for themselves and show them your guidance and provision through my own example.

Thank you Jesus!

Amen

Praise Challenge - Day 1

I have often wondered how to develop a regular "quiet time".  I'm not much of a reader so I struggle to really get into the Word just for the sake of getting into it.  I've longed for something that would get me into the Word but with purpose.

Some recent events have caused me to feel as though I am at the end of my parenting rope.  I have begun questioning my ability, asking what have I done wrong?  Are there things I should have done differently?  I've come to a place where I just don't know how to help my kids.

Strangely enough, I had to get a new phone recently (that's another story) and it just so happens that this phone has twice the storage of my previous phone.  So, as I was setting it up, I started downloading apps that I had previously deleted due to space.  One of them happened to be the Kindle app, where I have discovered some free downloads that I always "intended" to read.  As I opened this app and signed in, I began looking through the reading options.  As though God designed it this way, I discovered "The 30 Day Praise Challenge for Parents" by Becky Harling was on my app.  Remember, I'm not much of a reader, but thought it might be the thing to do.  So I started reading it and quickly lost interest.  Satan?  Not sure.  Fast forward to today, having sat in my bedroom and cried until my mascara was running down my face, crying out to God asking what I should do to help my son. And tonight I sat down to watch football and felt prompted by God, again, to pull it out, so I did.  I could use all the help I can get right now. This is the result of reading day 1.

Each days ends with a journal question.  If it's ok with you, I'm just going to answer that question here.  I think it will help me and perhaps someone else.  So here it goes:

Joshua is 17, tall and blond, sports oriented, intelligent, responsible, loyal, loves to play with the dog's tail.  He's deeper than most 17 year old boys and longs for a deep friendship that goes beyond the surface stuff that a lot of teens nowadays have.  He is a hard worker, loves his mama, helps without being asked, enjoys my cooking, laid back, loves music, and is very truthful.  God, thank you for making Joshua exactly the way he is.  Thank you that he talks nonstop about sports.  I love that you have given him such a passion for something.  Something I never discovered for myself.  Thank you for how he thinks of others and wants to help his family and his friends.  I also thank you that he is laid back, though it drives me crazy sometimes, I know you made him that way for a reason.  Thank you for giving him a sense of responsibility and loyalty. His heart for other people is easily seen.  And thank you that he knows, loves, and serves you.  Thank you for speaking to his heart.  Though he is conflicted at times, as we all are, I thank you that he chooses You.

Zach is 14, tall and blond and very thin.  He is very intelligent, so much so that I think it turns others away and I don't even understand him sometimes.  He is a very out of the box thinker.  He's a nerd and I love it.  He likes Pokémon and Transformers.  He enjoys video games and has a YouTube channel.  He has a big heart and has never met a stranger.  He tries so hard but can be forgetful and a bit scattered.  He can easily focus on what interests him but has a hard time with things that don't.  He says what is on his mind, not ever meaning to hurt anyone.  He is very black and white.  He moves at his own pace and not a step faster.  He prefers being along and is a big sleeper.  Father, thank you for Zach.  Thank you for giving him a brain and making him not afraid to use it.  Thank you that he is passionate about things that others may find silly, but he sticks to his guns anyway and stays true to who you made him to be.  Thank you for his capacity to love and help others.  Thank you that he is confident enough in himself and who you made him to be that he is able to speak his mind.  And thank you for giving him and internal metronome that is unique to him and that he doesn't rush through life.  Thank you for how he questions things and doesn't accept things just because.  Thank you for making him a thinker.

Elijah is 11, shorter and also blond.  He is HFA, high functioning autistic (Asperger's) which gives him some super powers and some challenges.  He can memorize just about anything and can usually quote a movie after seeing it only once.  He has a difficult time understanding some everyday things, but knows more about ANW and WWE than most anyone else in the world.  He is a walking encyclopedia.  He thrives on routine and sameness.  He has a great smile and is very helpful and compassionate.  He will always do exactly what you ask him.  He is great at keeping me and his teachers on track.  God, thank you for Elijah.  Thank you for his sweet smile and loving heart.  Thank you for his super powers that come through autism.  Thank you that he likes to watch the same movies and videos over and over again.  Thank you that he knows he can use that to calm himself when the world around him gets a bit overwhelming.  Thank you that he helps keep the rest of us on schedule.  Thank you for giving him passions and enjoyment from ANW and WWE.  Thank you that he has found something he can connect with. Thank you for his helpful spirit and his tender heart.

In Jesus's name,

Amen

Almost 44....

I just realized that it has been almost 2 years since I wrote something.  Ugh!  I'll try to do better!!!!

One hour, 34 minutes until I turn 44.  My youngest son, Elijah (now 11), has already told me "Happy Birthday".  Obviously birthdays become less of a big deal as you get older.  However, this one has me thinking and wondering.  I'm not very introspective but some recent events have caused me to somewhat reevaluate my life.

Is this where I thought I would be at 44?  I'm not sure I could have answered where I would be years ago.  I don't really think that way.  But now that I'm here, I can't help but feel that younger me would have expected more of 44 year old me.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my life....for the most part.  I have a wonderful, loving husband and 3 fantastic boys who are very close to becoming men.  I have good friends and love my church.  So what am I missing?

There are times, a lot of them lately, where I just don't feel that I have accomplished all that I could have by this age.  Not to brag or anything, but I have a degree from Georgia Tech and haven't really used it much since I got it.  (I often wonder if my parents would be disappointed in me.)  I have worked in very entry level jobs since having kids.  Should I have been more ambitious?  On the other hand, I have no clue what I would be ambitious about.  I don't really have a "passion" as some do.  There's never been something that I have just wanted to do all my life.

Part of this comes as my youngest child enters middle school and I realize that, though I left the full time workforce 17 years ago to be there for my kids....they really don't need me to "be there" anymore.  Now I'm having thoughts of pursuing things for me and helping my family financially.  But what would I do?  What skills do I have?  And is the longing just me measuring myself against the rest of the world or am I really right where God wants me to be, here with my kids?

None of these questions can be answered tonight.  I will put them aside and happily celebrate my 44th birthday tomorrow.  But these questions will still linger May 17 when the party is over and life goes on again with me as a 44 year old woman.   So, if you think about it, pray for me.  Pray that I would fill the void with Jesus and the He would be the One to answer the questions for me.

Happy birthday to me!