After several days of mourning, planning, paying respects, seeing family and friends, explaining death to my kids, comforting my husband and dealing with all the other junk life throws at you, it's time to get back to life as usual. Janet's memorial service was yesterday afternoon. It was quite lovely (Naomi!). Close to 400 people showed up to pay their respects and say one last goodbye to their friend, mentor, teacher, aunt, sister-in-law, mother-in-law. We thank everyone who came and those who have sent flowers and cards. Seeing how many people were touched by Janet Julian has really been a remarkable thing. Now...back to normal life.

Normal? Will life ever be "normal" again? What is normal? I was getting ready this morning, back to the usual grind of what a Friday morning brings (volunteering at church, getting ready for work, etc.) and started thinking. I actually started feeling a little guilty. I'm just no near as upset and I think I should be, or thought I would be. Maybe I'm in "take care" mode and making sure that my husband and kids get through this and I'll grieve later. Maybe I'm in shock still and it just hasn't hit me yet. Or maybe, since I've been through this many times before, I've just turned myself off. My grandparents died when I was younger. Then I lost my mom and dad to cancer. Then my other grandparents. Then Steven and I had severe marital issues. I'm starting to think that, subconciously, I've just turned myself off so that I don't feel anything anymore because it just hurts too much. I just won't allow myself time to really think about it because I just can't stand all the pain that this life has brought. I know God never said it would be easy and there would be trials, but come on! Sometimes it seems more than I can take! Thankfully, God has gotten me through each hardship, as He promised. But I do think that I am a harder, more guarded person because of it. And I fear that my kids and my husband suffer the consequences of that.

But this is not about me. Steven still hasn't grieved the way I think he needs to. Being the good man that he is, he is concerned with getting back to work to provide for his family. He concerned about his dad, as we all are, and wants to take care of him too. I want to make sure they are both ok. I'm not quite sure how to do that except to be here. I will give hugs and listen when need be. That's all I can do. I pray that God gives me the strength and compassion to do that. I pray that Steven and Dave (Mark, Kent and Janna as well) will be comforted by the Holy Spirit and work through their grief. Someone asked me if you ever get over it. I had to tell them no. The pain of losing a parent or spouse never really goes away. You just learn to live with it. Lord, help us learn the best way to live with it.