Monday, May 15, 2017

Almost 44....

I just realized that it has been almost 2 years since I wrote something.  Ugh!  I'll try to do better!!!!

One hour, 34 minutes until I turn 44.  My youngest son, Elijah (now 11), has already told me "Happy Birthday".  Obviously birthdays become less of a big deal as you get older.  However, this one has me thinking and wondering.  I'm not very introspective but some recent events have caused me to somewhat reevaluate my life.

Is this where I thought I would be at 44?  I'm not sure I could have answered where I would be years ago.  I don't really think that way.  But now that I'm here, I can't help but feel that younger me would have expected more of 44 year old me.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my life....for the most part.  I have a wonderful, loving husband and 3 fantastic boys who are very close to becoming men.  I have good friends and love my church.  So what am I missing?

There are times, a lot of them lately, where I just don't feel that I have accomplished all that I could have by this age.  Not to brag or anything, but I have a degree from Georgia Tech and haven't really used it much since I got it.  (I often wonder if my parents would be disappointed in me.)  I have worked in very entry level jobs since having kids.  Should I have been more ambitious?  On the other hand, I have no clue what I would be ambitious about.  I don't really have a "passion" as some do.  There's never been something that I have just wanted to do all my life.

Part of this comes as my youngest child enters middle school and I realize that, though I left the full time workforce 17 years ago to be there for my kids....they really don't need me to "be there" anymore.  Now I'm having thoughts of pursuing things for me and helping my family financially.  But what would I do?  What skills do I have?  And is the longing just me measuring myself against the rest of the world or am I really right where God wants me to be, here with my kids?

None of these questions can be answered tonight.  I will put them aside and happily celebrate my 44th birthday tomorrow.  But these questions will still linger May 17 when the party is over and life goes on again with me as a 44 year old woman.   So, if you think about it, pray for me.  Pray that I would fill the void with Jesus and the He would be the One to answer the questions for me.

Happy birthday to me!

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