It's been a long day. No major details are necessary. Suffice it to say that Steven and I are fighting and it makes life in the house difficult. Not to mention that my kids are a bit stir crazy from being trapped by all the rain we've been having. I tried to take them to a movie today, but Elijah didn't want to go. Even though that upset his 2 older brothers, I went with that. Elijah, with his SPD, can make life quite miserable if you make him do something he doesn't want to do. Sometimes I do, for his own good, and he enjoys it and everyone has a great time. I just wasn't in the "let's make him" sort of mood today. Then later, of course, he asked me if he could watch a movie. I told him "NO" because he had missed his chance.
Then I was going to take them to the pool. But by the time we got back from CFA (Cow appreciation day) and finished arguing about the movie, it started raining....again!
It's not that I don't enjoy my kids being home. I really do. I love each of them very much. It's just that they would be couch potatoes or would never see the sun if I left it up to them. I never thought I would have to FORCE them to go outside and play. I often wonder if my staying home with them over these last 12 years has done more harm than good because they expect me to be their social coordinator. Not that I always have. I do plan some things for us to do, but not usually on a daily basis. But left to their own, they would rather do nothing.
I'm in a tough place right now. Finances are tight and that's always hard. I'm trying to find a job to help out but, being out of work for 13 years means that no one wants to hire you. So I sit here with a college degree from Georgia Tech that isn't being used. (My father would be very ill with me.) I feel disposable (from Pastor Steve's sermon) and not useful. This so isn't where I expected to be at the age of 40. How do I cope? How do I turn it around? Where do I go from here?
Lots of questions. Still no answers.
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